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Moving on [May. 14th, 2020|03:07 pm]
[Current Mood |pleasedpleased]

The time has come everyone.
As of today I will not be using this journal anymore.
The past 5 months have not been the best of my life. I consider this a period of my life filled with mistakes and regret. It's a period I do not wish to have haunting me, so I am doing my best to move on. I know that you can never erase the past but I also know that you can learn and grow from it. This is my attempt to grow.

If you wish to add me, do so of your own free will. There's been a wealth of petulant passive aggressive bile floating around this inconsequential website lately and I no longer wish to be in it's shadow. If you no longer want to associate with me through this small piece of cyber-land let me say this; I wish you all the best. No grudges are held and should you ever desire to speak to me again, I'm not that difficult to find.

Without further delay: sanguinette

I leave you with a poem:

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

-Mary Oliver

Farewell, kids.
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Just in case [May. 20th, 2008|03:40 pm]
[Current Mood |hyperhyper]

Just in case you missed it, I'm not using this here journal anymore.

If you'd like to keep reading my wacky ass antics, click here.

That is all.

Except for this note: Law & Order really needs to stop doing episodes about children who die during "re-birthing" therapy. Seriously.
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Substance? Maybe. [May. 13th, 2008|09:09 pm]
[Current Mood |thoughtfulthoughtful]

In response to Tina, here are 8 of my 'interests' explained:

- Comment and I will ask you to explain eight of your interests.
- Post your answers in your journal along with these instructions.

1) Doe Eyes - Think back to the early 90's supermodel. There is something disarming and enchanting all at once about a pair of large innocent eyes. Make-up can play them up, yes. But to be blessed with eyes which some may call 'bug eyed' is something that should be used to it's highest potential. This is a trait I do not possess, so instead I live vicariously through Lily Cole.

2) Ebola - There is something very fascinating to me about a virus for which no known vaccine or treatment exists. What makes me fascinated with this one in particular is the damage it can inflict in a such a short amount of time. Because of this, it's classified as a biosafety level 4 agent as well as a class A bioterrorism agent. During the cold war it was investigated for use in biological warfare. You'd THINK it would be a prime candidate for bioterrorism given the symptoms and high mortality rate of hemorrhagic fever, right? Well, that's actually the opposite. The Ebola virus is extremely deadly, but it also spreads very quickly. It can move through a hospital or small village before it has the opportunity to affect a larger population. Given that, it's potential for use in bioterrorism is compromised. The three most well known strains of the Ebola virus are Reston, Zaire, and Sudan. Zaire is by far the most lethal with a 90% mortality rate. Then Sudan, with a 54% mortality rate. Ebola Reston is very curious in that it is the ONLY strain of the virus which is non-fatal to humans as well as the only strain which appears to be airborne. That's another reason why it's capability as a bioterrorism agent is compromised, strands which are known to be fatal to humans are not transmitted through the air. They're transmitted like most viruses; through contact with blood and bodily fluid. The symptoms include high fever, muscle/joint pain, weakness, nausea, dizziness. These initial symptoms are usually mistaken for the flu. Serious symptoms include vomiting blood, petechia, tachycardia, and organ damage.
Interior bleeding is caused by a chemical reaction between the virus and platelets which creates a chemical that punches cell sized holes into capillary walls. Sometimes internal as well as external hemorrhaging occurs as well, which results in bleeding from orifices. It's really fun to note that while this is the most memorable cause of the Ebola virus, less than 50% of victims develop any hemorrhaging.
The cause of death due to the Ebola virus is usually hypovolemic shock or organ failure.

I could go on much longer about this, but I'll stop here.

3) Entropy - This is a concept that I'm working on digging through. I understand it in terms of what I read of it. It's role in thermodynamics and the idea that nature tends from order to disorder. However, I find that it's a concept that for whatever reason I just can't wrap my brain fully around yet. It's like I have a mental roadblock.

4) Fire Dancing - This is a skill that I eventually want to learn. I don't want to spin poi though. I would much rather use fans and gloves to work it into belly dance (see tribal fusion below)

5) Moon Phases - After studying paganism, witchcraft, and the occult in general for much of my "adult" life I find that the phases of the moon and the lore that surrounds them is something that has stuck with me. I still try to plan my life as much as I can around the ideas that the new moon is best for personal growth and starting new ventures, that the waxing moon is the best for attracting love, friendship, luck, etc, that the waning moon is best for ridding oneself of illness, addiction and negativity, and that the full moon is best for prophecy protection and divination.

6) Storms - I love and hate storms all at the same time. If I have someone with me I love them. I love to just sit and watch them with the other person, to talk about ideas or anything that may be inspired by witnessing it. If I'm alone I hate them. My house was struck by lightning when I was younger and if I'm completely alone when a storm hits I will hide in the bathtub.

7) Trevor Brown - Trevor Brown is an artist whose work I've greatly admired and followed for years. His art is of babies and young children and his art has been classified as "baby art". It's also disturbing on a whole. See for yourself: BabyArt.

8) Tribal Fusion - Tribal Fusion is a type of belly dance which can be described as combining Egyptian, Turkish, Classical Indian, and Bollywood style dance. It adds theatrics and props (fire dancing) and also differs in costuming. It isn't uncommon to see Tribal Fusion dancers in all dark colors, ornate head dresses, lots of jewelery. It's kind of goth meets belly dance. It's also something I plan on learning in the near future. Here's a video. Click on "fusion belly dance style".
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Hm.. [May. 13th, 2008|07:01 pm]
[Current Mood |restlessrestless]

Being here without my room mate is not nearly as entertaining as I thought it would be.
In fact, unless Adam is here, I feel horribly lonely and isolated 99% of the time.
Live and learn.

I've started back up on DeviantArt, if any of you are there. It's so weird. Not even one full day of uploading a backlog of work, and my page views have already exceeded my old account. Rock out.

Also, what the hell is my problem? After I received the images from this shoot last summer I didn't give this one a second thought. Looking at it now? I love it!

Cut for Size.Collapse )

The weekend that Adam and I will be spending at the beach is drawing nearer. I'm eager to wear my new bathing suits, but I can just feel the sunburn now. My SPF 70 is coming with me and never leaving my side.
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Your flower of flesh and blood [May. 12th, 2008|06:54 pm]
[Current Mood |deviousdevious]

Adam came over to keep me company last night and it helped a great deal. Even though I was cranky because of the day and because he told me he couldn't come back to my house in Montgomery County this weekend. I apologized profusely this morning and told him it's also because my medicine hasn't passed the two week hurdle inside me yet. So I'm not quite back to normal. I'm sleeping well, yes. Back to normal? No.

This weekend I'm having Aaron do my hair. I don't trust myself to do it...it's so normal! Hah. I haven't had normal in a long while and I'll confess; I'm looking forward to the minimal upkeep. I showed pictures to Adam last night to make sure that he wouldn't be all "ew, wtf?" because that's a weird co-dependent tick of mine. I always double check with the person I'm with before I do anything to my appearance. While I'm confident in myself now, even though it's taken a while to get here, I always like to make sure that my lover will still find me attractive.
Alex can attest to the many hours of aggravation spent over this.
I showed Aaron these pictures: [ONE] [TWO] [THREE].
He's amazing and has done wonders to my hair before (um hello, black to white in SIX HOURS), so I'm confident he'll do a good job.

In other hair news; I love the herbal essences shampoo and conditioner! I looove them!! My hair is SILK. Even Adam couldn't keep his hands out of it last night. I'm going to be a bit sad when I can't use them anymore.

I downloaded the latest Kittie album yesterday. Say what you want about them, but they hold a special place in my heart. They were my first foray into 'alternative' music when I was in 6th grade so I'll always love them. It's also been great to watch their music grow.
Anyway, this is probably one of the most erotic songs I've heard in a while. Agree? Disagree?

My sweet obsession
My greatest masterpiece
When I undress you
Everything falls in place
I will control you
This flower of flesh and blood
True crimson blooming
I'll tear the petals off of you
Flower of flesh
My love will die for it
Boundless and red
My love lies motionless
My own creation
My one and only slave
Into the darkness
The hate of hell is boundless
This blade consoles you
True beauty staining through
This love destroys you
And there is nothing you can do

I'm watching Law and Order now and tonight is the new Gossip Girl. I missed last week, but Serena killed someone? OMGWTFBBQ?!
Also; I AM still moving journals eventually. I have just lacked the motivation to get everything in order.

GODDAMN I still want to find a photographer and experienced rope-tie-er to do a Shibari set with me!
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I reiterate; I hate mother's day [May. 11th, 2008|12:35 pm]
[Current Mood |sadsad]

Stay low.
Soft, dark, and dreamless,
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness.
I hate me,
For breathing without you.
I don't want to feel anymore for you.

Grieving for you,
I'm not grieving for you.
Nothing real love can't undo,
And though I may have lost my way,
All paths lead straight to you.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.

Blinding wall between us.
Melt away and leave us alone again.
The humming, haunted somewhere out there.
I believe our love can see us through in death.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,
I'm coming for you.

You're not alone,
No matter what they told you, you're not alone.
I'll be right beside you forevermore.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you did.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you.

And as we lay in silent bliss,
I know you remember me.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,
I'm coming for you.
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Now medicated for your safety. [May. 10th, 2008|04:47 pm]
[Current Mood |soresore]

Good: My medication came.

Bad: I managed to punch myself in the NEW belly button piercing trying to open the package.


I found a beautiful Auburn shade that is the one I'm going for but I dunno...it's too normal. I'm too scared of it's normalcy to do it myself..

6R- Ginger in a snap (appropriate!)

Friends who've seen Ginger Snaps; is this not THE perfect "Ginger" red?
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(no subject) [May. 10th, 2008|04:28 am]
[Current Mood |crankycranky]

It's 4:30 am.
Why am I awake?
Oh yeah, because I slept for about 5 hours and without my medication by body will not let me sleep any longer and is all "wake up, asshole!".
That said, this is the most sleep I've gotten in a week.
I'm going to kill the fucking bird outside my window.

On a sweet note:
I don't think anything made my heart melt more than laying in bed getting a back massage while "The Sacrament" was playing. I'm gonna keep that memory for a long while.
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Random note of epic fail. [May. 9th, 2008|11:26 am]
[Current Mood |annoyedannoyed]

I have to dye my hair.
For court.


The good news is that I'm going back to Ginger-red and will eventually put white 'werewolf' streaks in it. Ginger Snaps fans holla!

Also...if anyone knows where I can get an entirely white crow skull relatively inexpensively please share.
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Humor in all seriousness [May. 8th, 2008|11:57 pm]
[Current Mood |weirdweird]

So, if you're my friend chances are you know about my deep love of and obsession with the Ebola virus.

My Ebola. Let me show you him.Collapse )

It's late...I'm tired.
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