happy berry ://_______ LONELY iN GORGEOUS

Moving on

2008-05-14T19:13:48Z

The time has come everyone.
As of today I will not be using this journal anymore.
The past 5 months have not been the best of my life. I consider this a period of my life filled with mistakes and regret. It's a period I do not wish to have haunting me, so I am doing my best to move on. I know that you can never erase the past but I also know that you can learn and grow from it. This is my attempt to grow.

If you wish to add me, do so of your own free will. There's been a wealth of petulant passive aggressive bile floating around this inconsequential website lately and I no longer wish to be in it's shadow. If you no longer want to associate with me through this small piece of cyber-land let me say this; I wish you all the best. No grudges are held and should you ever desire to speak to me again, I'm not that difficult to find.

Without further delay: orchid_bones

I leave you with a poem:

The Summer Day

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean--
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down--
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
With your one wild and precious life?

-Mary Oliver

Farewell, kids.

Substance? Maybe.

2008-05-14T01:12:52Z

In response to Tina, here are 8 of my 'interests' explained:

- Comment and I will ask you to explain eight of your interests.
- Post your answers in your journal along with these instructions.

1) Doe Eyes - Think back to the early 90's supermodel. There is something disarming and enchanting all at once about a pair of large innocent eyes. Make-up can play them up, yes. But to be blessed with eyes which some may call 'bug eyed' is something that should be used to it's highest potential. This is a trait I do not possess, so instead I live vicariously through Lily Cole.

2) Ebola - There is something very fascinating to me about a virus for which no known vaccine or treatment exists. What makes me fascinated with this one in particular is the damage it can inflict in a such a short amount of time. Because of this, it's classified as a biosafety level 4 agent as well as a class A bioterrorism agent. During the cold war it was investigated for use in biological warfare. You'd THINK it would be a prime candidate for bioterrorism given the symptoms and high mortality rate of hemorrhagic fever, right? Well, that's actually the opposite. The Ebola virus is extremely deadly, but it also spreads very quickly. It can move through a hospital or small village before it has the opportunity to affect a larger population. Given that, it's potential for use in bioterrorism is compromised. The three most well known strains of the Ebola virus are Reston, Zaire, and Sudan. Zaire is by far the most lethal with a 90% mortality rate. Then Sudan, with a 54% mortality rate. Ebola Reston is very curious in that it is the ONLY strain of the virus which is non-fatal to humans as well as the only strain which appears to be airborne. That's another reason why it's capability as a bioterrorism agent is compromised, strands which are known to be fatal to humans are not transmitted through the air. They're transmitted like most viruses; through contact with blood and bodily fluid. The symptoms include high fever, muscle/joint pain, weakness, nausea, dizziness. These initial symptoms are usually mistaken for the flu. Serious symptoms include vomiting blood, petechia, tachycardia, and organ damage.
Interior bleeding is caused by a chemical reaction between the virus and platelets which creates a chemical that punches cell sized holes into capillary walls. Sometimes internal as well as external hemorrhaging occurs as well, which results in bleeding from orifices. It's really fun to note that while this is the most memorable cause of the Ebola virus, less than 50% of victims develop any hemorrhaging.
The cause of death due to the Ebola virus is usually hypovolemic shock or organ failure.

I could go on much longer about this, but I'll stop here.

3) Entropy - This is a concept that I'm working on digging through. I understand it in terms of what I read of it. It's role in thermodynamics and the idea that nature tends from order to disorder. However, I find that it's a concept that for whatever reason I just can't wrap my brain fully around yet. It's like I have a mental roadblock.

4) Fire Dancing - This is a skill that I eventually want to learn. I don't want to spin poi though. I would much rather use fans and gloves to work it into belly dance (see tribal fusion below)

5) Moon Phases - After studying paganism, witchcraft, and the occult in general for much of my "adult" life I find that the phases of the moon and the lore that surrounds them is something that has stuck with me. I still try to plan my life as much as I can around the ideas that the new moon is best for personal growth and starting new ventures, that the waxing moon is the best for attracting love, friendship, luck, etc, that the waning moon is best for ridding oneself of illness, addiction and negativity, and that the full moon is best for prophecy protection and divination.

6) Storms - I love and hate storms all at the same time. If I have someone with me I love them. I love to just sit and watch them with the other person, to talk about ideas or anything that may be inspired by witnessing it. If I'm alone I hate them. My house was struck by lightning when I was younger and if I'm completely alone when a storm hits I will hide in the bathtub.

7) Trevor Brown - Trevor Brown is an artist whose work I've greatly admired and followed for years. His art is of babies and young children and his art has been classified as "baby art". It's also disturbing on a whole. See for yourself: BabyArt.

8) Tribal Fusion - Tribal Fusion is a type of belly dance which can be described as combining Egyptian, Turkish, Classical Indian, and Bollywood style dance. It adds theatrics and props (fire dancing) and also differs in costuming. It isn't uncommon to see Tribal Fusion dancers in all dark colors, ornate head dresses, lots of jewelery. It's kind of goth meets belly dance. It's also something I plan on learning in the near future. Here's a video. Click on "fusion belly dance style".

Hm..

2008-05-13T23:06:03Z

Being here without my room mate is not nearly as entertaining as I thought it would be.
In fact, unless Adam is here, I feel horribly lonely and isolated 99% of the time.
Live and learn.

I've started back up on DeviantArt, if any of you are there. It's so weird. Not even one full day of uploading a backlog of work, and my page views have already exceeded my old account. Rock out.

Also, what the hell is my problem? After I received the images from this shoot last summer I didn't give this one a second thought. Looking at it now? I love it!

Lo.Lee.Ta. by ~porcelainsmoke on deviant ART

The weekend that Adam and I will be spending at the beach is drawing nearer. I'm eager to wear my new bathing suits, but I can just feel the sunburn now. My SPF 70 is coming with me and never leaving my side.

Your flower of flesh and blood

2008-05-12T23:08:06Z

Adam came over to keep me company last night and it helped a great deal. Even though I was cranky because of the day and because he told me he couldn't come back to my house in Montgomery County this weekend. I apologized profusely this morning and told him it's also because my medicine hasn't passed the two week hurdle inside me yet. So I'm not quite back to normal. I'm sleeping well, yes. Back to normal? No.

This weekend I'm having Aaron do my hair. I don't trust myself to do it...it's so normal! Hah. I haven't had normal in a long while and I'll confess; I'm looking forward to the minimal upkeep. I showed pictures to Adam last night to make sure that he wouldn't be all "ew, wtf?" because that's a weird co-dependent tick of mine. I always double check with the person I'm with before I do anything to my appearance. While I'm confident in myself now, even though it's taken a while to get here, I always like to make sure that my lover will still find me attractive.
Alex can attest to the many hours of aggravation spent over this.
I showed Aaron these pictures: [ONE] [TWO] [THREE].
He's amazing and has done wonders to my hair before (um hello, black to white in SIX HOURS), so I'm confident he'll do a good job.

In other hair news; I love the herbal essences shampoo and conditioner! I looove them!! My hair is SILK. Even Adam couldn't keep his hands out of it last night. I'm going to be a bit sad when I can't use them anymore.

I downloaded the latest Kittie album yesterday. Say what you want about them, but they hold a special place in my heart. They were my first foray into 'alternative' music when I was in 6th grade so I'll always love them. It's also been great to watch their music grow.
Anyway, this is probably one of the most erotic songs I've heard in a while. Agree? Disagree?

My sweet obsession
My greatest masterpiece
When I undress you
Everything falls in place
I will control you
This flower of flesh and blood
True crimson blooming
I'll tear the petals off of you
Flower of flesh
My love will die for it
Boundless and red
My love lies motionless
My own creation
My one and only slave
Into the darkness
The hate of hell is boundless
This blade consoles you
True beauty staining through
This love destroys you
And there is nothing you can do

I'm watching Law and Order now and tonight is the new Gossip Girl. I missed last week, but Serena killed someone? OMGWTFBBQ?!
Also; I AM still moving journals eventually. I have just lacked the motivation to get everything in order.

GODDAMN I still want to find a photographer and experienced rope-tie-er to do a Shibari set with me!

I reiterate; I hate mother's day

2008-05-11T16:36:53Z

Stay low.
Soft, dark, and dreamless,
Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness.
I hate me,
For breathing without you.
I don't want to feel anymore for you.

Grieving for you,
I'm not grieving for you.
Nothing real love can't undo,
And though I may have lost my way,
All paths lead straight to you.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.

Halo,
Blinding wall between us.
Melt away and leave us alone again.
The humming, haunted somewhere out there.
I believe our love can see us through in death.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,
I'm coming for you.

You're not alone,
No matter what they told you, you're not alone.
I'll be right beside you forevermore.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you did.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you.

And as we lay in silent bliss,
I know you remember me.

I long to be like you,
Lie cold in the ground like you.
There's room inside for two and I'm not grieving for you,
I'm coming for you.

Now medicated for your safety.

2008-05-10T20:50:44Z

Good: My medication came.

Bad: I managed to punch myself in the NEW belly button piercing trying to open the package.

Owwwwwwwwwwwwww.

I found a beautiful Auburn shade that is the one I'm going for but I dunno...it's too normal. I'm too scared of it's normalcy to do it myself..

6R- Ginger in a snap (appropriate!)

Friends who've seen Ginger Snaps; is this not THE perfect "Ginger" red?

feralfairy @ 2008-05-10T04:28:00

2008-05-10T08:31:40Z

It's 4:30 am.
Why am I awake?
Oh yeah, because I slept for about 5 hours and without my medication by body will not let me sleep any longer and is all "wake up, asshole!".
That said, this is the most sleep I've gotten in a week.
I'm going to kill the fucking bird outside my window.

On a sweet note:
I don't think anything made my heart melt more than laying in bed getting a back massage while "The Sacrament" was playing. I'm gonna keep that memory for a long while.

Random note of epic fail.

2008-05-09T15:27:54Z

I have to dye my hair.
For court.

FUUUUUCKKK. I LOVE THIS COLOR.

The good news is that I'm going back to Ginger-red and will eventually put white 'werewolf' streaks in it. Ginger Snaps fans holla!

Also...if anyone knows where I can get an entirely white crow skull relatively inexpensively please share.

Humor in all seriousness

2008-05-09T04:02:35Z

So, if you're my friend chances are you know about my deep love of and obsession with the Ebola virus.

Well...

Wait...Sumfin on mah head?

Definitely sumfin on mah head...

He's lurkin...

OMG HE'S LURKIN

I luff you Ebola. You no kill me, rite?

My pal. I'm gonna have a tattoo of you on my arm soon.

Dis where he lives..

My Ebola and Mr. Snuggles. Yes that's his name. I've had him since birth.
Shut up.

It's late...I'm tired.

Of love songs

2008-05-09T00:16:11Z

I've been thinking a lot about love songs lately. I wonder about who they were written for, what about this person inspired the song, etc. I also wonder if the people they were written for know that they're about them. I wonder if they can listen to them, if it brings sour memories or sweet.
Maybe that's why I like HIM so much. Almost all of their songs are love songs, hell Ville Valo admits that they're all about women. I wonder about the girls he wrote the songs for, what they did to capture him. What about them sparkled so much that it had to be put into words. I hope that one day something about me sparkles enough to inspire somebody.

So that this isn't all me being a sappy idiot;

(Ignore my red skin. I'm very pale and my skin is ridiculously sensitive. Any pressure on it and it turns red. And no, my barbell isn't blue.)
(Oh, also ignore the bruises and refrain from any smart quips about them. It should be more than obvious where they're from)

feralfairy @ 2008-05-08T18:30:00

2008-05-08T22:37:38Z

Piercing accomplished. Awesome!
I was worried it was going to hurt but much like my nipple piercings I was like "Oh..that's it?"
Maybe my pain tolerance has just gotten awesome? That would make sense after having needles jabbed into your spine for three hours.

Moving on...

I also caught up with Adam on his way out of work to apologize for being such a bitch last night. He wasn't acting like a choirboy either, but he had apologized - I hadn't. He thought it was the sweetest thing that I took time out of my day just to come up and say I was sorry for something. Needless to say, afterwards we spent a half hour just cuddling in his car. Nyawwwwwwww.

Nothing much is on the agenda for tonight, but I guess that's a good thing? I get to relax. But the downside; I'm alone. I guess I'll have to amuse myself. Fix Adam's keychain that he broke - again, finish the embroidery project I began at the beginning of the year, finish my jar of origami stars (or at least make a dent in it), etc..

I smell like Night Queen. MY FAVORITE. YUMMY.

feralfairy @ 2008-05-08T12:05:00

2008-05-08T16:07:50Z

Wow. Tide to go pen? Officially the best invention ever.
It just saved my only light blue shirt from chocolate ice cream.

I can feel that today is going to be a not-so-good day.
I remember now that I highly dislike being by myself for long periods of time.

Last night was interesting. I made vegetarian curry for Adam and I and then we watched Top Chef and Rent while he did homework. The interesting bit comes with the fact that I'm not medicated currently, so I am acting like a fussy bitch from hell. That man deserves sainthood for putting up with me.

I may go get my piercing today just to wrench myself out of this funk. Ugh.
In the mean time I'm going to watch Moulin Rouge. Why? Because apparently I am an idiot and a masochist all rolled into one.

Viiiicccctorrrryyyy!!

2008-05-07T19:34:02Z

I'm done. Done done done. For the semester. Done.
I got up this morning, turned in my fucking 25 page lit final, came back home and helped move Rachel out, and then I went back to bed. Hah!

Since I realized I've spoken of my dear roomie a lot this semester but no one really knows what she looks like, here ya go:

(Her awesome hair? I did that. *brushes shoulders off*)
(It's purple AND blue, not just blue. Stupid camera.)

Adam is coming to spend the night with me tonight and we're going to um..celebrate. But first I will be making dinner. Hooray! I love cooking for people. So earlier I had to make a run to the grocery store, the first time I've ever been without Rachel *tear*.
I need to hop into the shower momentarily and then prepare to make dinner.
I feel like such a housewife *hee*

This weekend will be dedicated to putting the apartment back together. Also, since I feel the need to get steel put through my body to commemorate occasions I'm going to take a little trip to Red Octopus this weekend to get my belly button pierced. Rock out!

Home stretch.

2008-05-06T19:55:41Z

Well my calc final was as HORRIBLE as I predicted. Whatever. I've come to terms with it.
Here I sit with only my literature project separating me from the end of the semester. Luckily I like this project, so whatever.

I took time out to go bathing suit shopping. At the end of this month Adam's friends have invited us to come down to the beach for a weekend, since they have a house there. Well...I needed a bathing suit. I lost weight since buying my bitchin hello kitty one.
Hilariously, I found two suits I loved right away. Both fit, both made my body look awesome. More hilariously, both have fleurs de lys prints on them. I'll take pictures when I'm not so lazy.

Tonight is my room mate's last night here. I'm a bit sad, not gonna lie. She and I have gotten along great, we have a ton of things in common, and we've become really good friends. That's amazing to me seeing as how I literally picked her name randomly off of a list of people who needed room mates. My dad keeps saying that I've probably found the first person that I'll be friends with for the rest of my life. I think he's right.

Hell, I need to cut this short. My room mate is trying to undo the damage that a semester worth of hair dye has caused to our bathtubs. The cure? 91% rubbing alcohol. It's wafting and I think we're both rapidly losing brain cells...

Temporary Victory

2008-05-06T01:14:18Z

After confidently ass-raping my Political Science exam, I feel pretty good.
I also got an 81 on my ridiculously late term paper. The one I stayed up all night to finish. He only took 10 points off for lateness, so I would have had a 91 if I handed the piece of crap in on time. Go fucking figure.

I meant to take pictures of this make-up on Saturday before we left for the party, but we were running late and it's best that no one got pictures of me in my very drunken state..

(I really am just taking this opportunity to show off my awesome sunglasses)

For the curious:
EYES: + Mac "Sweet Sienna" pigment
+ Smashbox "Twilight" trio (all three colors)
+ Mac "Blacktrack" fluidline
+ Greatlash mascara in "Blackest Black"

LIPS: + Mac "Sugar Shock" lip gelee

FACE: + Smashbox concealer
+ Mac "Dollymix" blush

Also! I have decided on this picture. I found a font I like ("A Lolita Scorned" on DaFont.com) but I have no idea how to incorporate "Sanguinette" into the picture...artistically. Bu hao.

feralfairy @ 2008-05-05T15:15:00

2008-05-05T19:23:30Z

I can't help feeling guilty about this morning. Adam and I both set our alarms for 6am, because he had to be up for work. I know that he usually doesn't wake up to the alarm but I do. The only issue is that I forgot to turn the volume on my alarm up and it probably went off while the air conditioner was on. I woke up to Adam rushing to get ready at about...7:30. Oops.

The move is coming up soon, but understandably my priority is my exams. The first of which is at 7pm. I'm trying to decide which image to use and make into a layout. [THIS] or [THIS]. I like both but I'm leaning towards the latter.

I need to go de-claw myself, hah. Or at least dull them a bit. The fun was kind of taken out of them when in the midst of Adam and I playing I drew blood. Yikes.
But first, I'm going to make myself a 3 cheese quesadilla. Yum yum! Then political science and calculus shall own my soul for the rest of the evening.

"They All Deserve To Die..."

2008-05-05T02:30:33Z

Nothing is better than coming out of the fog of a horrid hangover, taking a nice cleansing shower, and then relaxing in your bed reading H.P. Lovecraft in nothing but one of your boyfriend's t-shirts with "Sweeney Todd" in the background.

Life was made for moments like this. ♥

(crazy hilarious details about how I got said hangover coming eventually. 9 shots. Beginning with Whiskey. Haaaah...)

Femme

2008-05-03T21:50:32Z

Today has been lazy, but tonight is going to sparkle.
Party with beloved + friends. Time to get fucked up and do fucked up shit, holla!

I do believe I should be coordinating my outfit right now, but my muscles are so sore from going to the gym yesterday that I'm having problems hauling myself off the sofa. My lower back and thighs are killing me. Yeeeeouch.
What am I talking about 'coordinate'? I already know my whole outfit will be black, as there's really not much else in my wardrobe, it's just a matter of what to wear with what.

Option 1: Black skinny jeans, black halter top, pole dancing boots.
Option 2: Black gauzy mini-skirt, black tank top, buckle combat boots
Option 3: Black ripped up jeans, black button-down blouse, pole dancing boots.

Choices, choices, choices. I know I'll wing my make-up. Probably using my MAC "Sweet Sienna" pigment, Smashbox "Twilight" trio, MAC "Blacktrack" fluidline...and I have no idea what lips. I could do a repeat performance of Rob + Holly's Wedding/My Uncle's 50th B-day party and go with MAC's "Lady Bug" (bright bright red) lipstick overlaid with "Sugar Shock" lip gelee, buuuut I don't know if I want to outshine my hair with such bold lips. Besides...if I was going to do that lip I think I'd have to go with a neutral eye. MAC'S Rice Paper, Honey Lust, and Tempting. And I'm just not in the mood to do a neutral eye.
Maybe I'll do smokey eyes with MAC's "Gilty Kiss" lipstick. Bah.

The above is really just a run on stream of consciousness. Feel free to ignore it.
I'm off to go play...

It's evolution, baby.

2008-05-03T06:41:35Z

Until tonight I underestimated how strangely therapeutic burning something symbolically is.
I knew I brought my mini-cauldron down here for a reason. I feel less heavy than I have in recent days...weeks...months. However you want to count it.

So now I bring you two things that are semi-related:
1) I decided that I'll be opting for a paid account and switching over to orchid_bones. Nothing is set up but if you want to add it now and save yourself trouble, knock your socks off.

2) Black Phoenix Alchemy Lab never fails to amaze me. Words cannot describe how much I want this perfume:

BLOOD KISS
Lush, creamy vanilla and the honey of the sweetest kiss smeared with the vital throb of husky clove, swollen red cherries, but darkened with the vampiric sensuality of vetiver, soporific poppy and blood red wine, and a skin-light pulse of feral musk.

Mmph.

Now for things that are completely unrelated:
+ These random migraines of epic fail need to END.
+ I LOVE watching Chris Rock's "Never Scared" special. Not only is it hilarious but I love being able to say I'VE BEEN ON THAT STAGE (it was filmed at DAR).

EDIT:
So it's 4am and I'm hungry. I, without thinking, make myself eggs. Then I proceed to go "Oh yay, let's put hot sauce on them".
I'm about...halfway through when I -mid chew- remember the last time I was in contact with this combination. I go "...Oh god", gag a bit, then proceed to spit out what's in my mouth and put the rest down the garbage disposal.

Maybe it's me, but I don't think there's a way you can come back from having that combo splashed all over your bathroom. Thanks, man! (in the best humor of course)

feralfairy @ 2008-05-02T17:42:00

2008-05-02T21:51:03Z

I'm having a conundrum.
I can either 1) re-name this journal or 2) go for a new, paid, account.
One thing is for certain, this doesn't fit me anymore. I'm not the same person as I was at the beginning of this year, and that's being overhauled everywhere. Here is no different. Yes, this is above all a silly online journal; but given that I have a lot of issues expressing my feelings and thoughts speaking, writing them down is very therapeutic and cathartic for me.
(psst: I already have this new name. I'm just stuck on how to begin using it.)

While I ponder that, I need to finish a severe clean out/redecorating of my room, not to mention the rest of the apartment. Hooray?

Whoa...

2008-05-02T00:52:18Z

Adam has accomplished what no man has thus far been able to.

I'm sitting here and wouldn't you know it? I want to watch Across The Universe.
I want to listen to The Beatles.

...I'm scared.

feralfairy @ 2008-04-30T21:48:00

2008-05-01T01:52:07Z

WHAT. THE. FUCK. TYRA.
Are you fucking kidding me? You kept Fatima and Dominique but sent Katarzyna home?! WHAT?!

I may have to boycott top model. I'm not even joking.

To take away the sting I think I need to go take a bubble bath. Also it'll probably do wonders for my still aching muscles. Ouchy.

To make us all feel better, I give you The Birthday Massacre's "Looking Glass" video.
WATCH IT.

EDIT:
Oh yeah! I made the most amazing curry tonight! Rachel was telling me how she'd been craving chipotle and beef lately (but as you know, we've both gone vegetarian). So I was like...sit here for a minute. Let me go work some voodoo in the kitchen.
I made some rice with teriyaki sauce first. Then I took some veggie burgers, cut them up into 1 inch chunks and grilled them on the griddle. Then I sauteed them in yummy yummy curry sauce and mixed everything together.
Heaven in a bowl? I think so.

MURDER! I mean....Cupcakes!

2008-04-30T21:18:06Z

So today I spent the afternoon ladling the blood of the innocent into nice little baking cups.

Okay so it was Red Velvet cake batter. But it was too cool looking not to make that joke and not to take photos...

(ignore the messy kitchen)

(Don't look at me!
Actually, if you know me then you know this is pretty routine.
When I bake, a lot of batter doesn't make it into the oven.
And I wind up with a wicked tummy ache. Rock!)

I would like to take this time to say how AWESOME it is that I don't have any exams until this coming Monday.

I'm ashamed.

2008-04-30T00:39:47Z

Sitting home alone all day, I am bored. So what do I do?
I take this opportunity to wank some to one of my favorite bands. Hooray!

(Because silhouettes are fun)

(Since I never got a chance to show this off, This is Adam's HIM rosary that I made)

(Purple glass and swarovski crystal beads)

(My beautifully healed tattoo)

(Hella blurry but for some reason I like it)

(Rosary and claws = awesome)

(Nom nom nom)

(I ~~kind of~~ really hate myself for this picture)

I'm coming up on infra red

2008-04-29T22:35:16Z

I present for your downloading pleasure Meds by Placebo.

The album is zipped, the files are in .M4A format

Enjoy! :D